Serving Ms. Brown.

current mood: elated


Since I started my new job I've had comments from my friends about how happy I'm looking and how I seem to be more positive and assertive. The general consensus is that changing my job has been the best thing I've ever done.
I smile and agree but keep my thoughts to myself. There's no need for my friends to know the real reason for my change in attitude. What happens at work, between Ms Brown and myself, is private, my little secret...

I've had a brilliant day and it had nothing to do with my job. *grin*
Having my boss' hand up my skirt is a regular occurrence now and frankly I've been encouraging it. Not at first though, oh no.
I was very uncomfortable (though undeniably turned on) by the situation. It was hardly professional conduct we were indulging in after all and what if someone found out? I also remembered something Elizabeth had said about my predecessor, how she'd left suddenly after only being there a few months. That threw me. Had Ms Brown tried the same thing on her last PA? Was I just the latest toy, or even worse – had Ms Brown only hired me because... I don't know, because I looked like a victim?

After a few days of my thoughts churning chaotically enough for it to begin to affect my work I decided that enough was enough and sat down with a bottle of wine and had a good think. By the time I'd poured myself the last glass I'd narrowed it all down to two points:

1: I wasn't comfortable with what was happening but – if I was going to be honest with myself - I was enjoying it and
2: ultimately, this was between myself and my boss and as long as the quality of our work wasn't compromised it shouldn't become an issue.

It was risky, I knew, and if this... relationship was revealed there could be dire consequences - though interestingly I was more concerned for Ms Brown's career than my own.
There was something else I had to consider too - if I was going to continue being honest with myself.
I didn't want to leave my job, or Ms Brown...
I made my decision.

Today when I felt Ms Brown's hand on the back of my thigh I gathered my courage and with my heart hammering in my chest I wriggled my feet apart, just a little, enough to open my legs a fraction and hopefully encourage my boss to... explore further. After a moment of breathless anticipation she did and I swear I thought my heart was going to burst when her fingertips brushed along my groin...

current mood: weird


I'm getting the hang of my job, I think, due in no small part to Elizabeth. Fair enough she's been there for years but she knows the place, and our boss, inside and out. She's one of those rare people who can teach almost by osmosis too - the information kind of flows out of her and into me. It's not like she's teaching me at all, I find I simply know what to do. She doesn't mind being asked questions, either, even dumb ones and she's a mine of information (gossip) about the company and its staff. She seems to be a good judge of character and I trust her opinion. I really like her, I think we could be friends.

I have to admit I'm loving my new job. It's more of a challenge than my old one and more satisfying, I think, because of it. It's odd but I feel brighter, more alert, than I have for years, and I'm definitely giving some serious thought now to going back to study. Still don't know what though! *grin*

It may be a bit early in the piece to say this, but it's a joy working for Ms Brown. My experiences with previous bosses has been varied - some I got on with, some I didn't - and for the most part my interactions with them were lukewarm, cordial if not friendly, but it's different with Ms Brown. In the relatively short time I've known her I've come to respect and admire her. She's intelligent, ambitious and determined but quietly so, she doesn't brag or carry on like some of the others (no names mentioned). I think she knows where she's going, and how she's going to get there and is not going to let herself be distracted. I can learn so much from her.

Gah! Does that sound like hero-worship?
Well, I guess it is but this is where it gets… weird.

This morning as I stood beside her, behind her desk, she… touched me.
I didn't realise it at first, I was concentrating on her instructions for the job at hand and the touch on the back of my knee was so light I thought it was my skirt brushing against my skin. But then the sensation moved, slowly, deliberately to half-way up the back of my thigh.
The small, gentle strokes caught me by surprise and I froze, my breath catching in my throat. I glanced nervously at Ms Brown, blushing when I saw it was her hand up my skirt.
My Boss was gazing up at me, her expression grave.
"Just say no, Shara, if you don't like this." she said softly, "I won't take offence - and I promise you won't lose your job."
I didn't say no, not then and not later that day when she did it again.
I wasn’t comfortable with it, and I believed her about not losing my job, so why didn't I tell her to stop?

I don’t know if I can explain this adequately, but all of my life I've craved sensation - I need experiences, situations, that affect me deeply in some way. When I was younger I did some really dumb things in the quest for this, mostly in the misguided view that what I was doing would give me that… rush I sought. They rarely did, for any length of time anyway, so in the interests of self-preservation (I'm saying it was really dumb, dangerous things I was doing) I learnt to control it. I've been pretty good the past few years, I've kept mostly out of trouble, but the sheer eroticism of that illicit touch today has woken it again. I don't know whether to be scared or worried - or thrilled.

I'm breathlessly anticipating going in to work tomorrow. I didn't say no today, that could be interpreted as tacit permission. How far will Ms Brown try to go? How far will I let her?
I'm desperately trying not to expect too much too soon though, I don't want to be disappointed…

current mood: pleased


Today was the first day of my new job.
I was so paranoid about being late I barely slept last night and got up before my alarm clock had gone off! I'd also had a burst of super-efficiency before I went to bed and laid out my clothes ready for the morning (I don't need to say how much time I spent yesterday deciding what I was going to wear) and so found myself with oodles of time to get to work. (I'm not deluding myself that this level of organisation will continue though. Oh no, as soon as I'm settled in to the new routine no doubt I'll slip back to my usual slap-dash, last-minute way of doing things. *grin*)

When I got to work I went straight to personnel, as instructed, for an hour or so of orientation. This consisted of filling in forms and having my photo taken for my ID then being given a lightning tour of the building by a chirpy little woman - whose name I can't remember - while that was all processed. The company I'm working for only occupies a few floors of the multi-storey building, but there's a lot packed into that space. By the time we got back to where we started I was feeling a little daunted and not at all enlightened about where things were. Anyway, my ID badge and electronic key-card were ready so the woman had me sign for those then thrust a couple of pamphlets about 'emergency procedures' (like if the building catches fire, or a herd of stampeding elephants upsets the filing cabinets) into my hands then escorted me up to my little corner of the universe.

Elizabeth is Ms Brown's secretary (as opposed to her PA) and she's very friendly. Her 'office' is a smallish alcove outside of the inner sanctum (Ms Brown's office). I have my own desk there, with my own phone and computer. Part of my job, Elizabeth told me with a smile, will be fielding the calls for 'the boss', something she's had to do for the past few weeks on top of her normal duties. Needless to say, she seems quite pleased to have me there.
Ms Brown came into work as Elizabeth was going over the computer protocols with me. My new boss apologised for not being there to greet me earlier but she'd been at a morning meeting and it had only just finished. She shook my hand and asked if she could call me Shara - I said yes - then smiled a little and said she'd leave me to Elizabeth's care while I got an idea of how things worked. With that she disappeared into her office and I barely saw her for the rest of the day.

It's funny, during my interview I got the impression that Ms Brown was quite tall but she's actually a couple of inches shorter than me. There's a real air of - I don't know - efficiency and capability about her, though.

A little while later an expensively-suited brunette man breezed into the alcove and greeted Elizabeth familiarly. She answered with a frosty smile and a clipped, 'Mr Slater.' I don't think it was my imagination that the temperature suddenly dropped. He looked at me then and flashed a brilliant, toothy smile.
'You must be the new girl." He took my hand without asking and enclosed it completely with both of his. "Ben Slater, very pleased to meet you."
Ah, I've met his sort before - good-looking, smooth, think they're god's gift. The sort of bloke who expects women to fall in a dead swoon at their feet. Maybe I was being unfair, or judging too quickly, but I didn't like him.
He asked if Ms Brown was in; Elizabeth said yes but before she could buzz through to the office to let the boss know someone wanted to see her, Mr Slater flipped us a wave and barged straight in.
'Ms Brown hates it when he does that.' Elizabeth frowned.
The office door opened a minute or so later and both Mr Slater and Ms Brown came out.
'Thank you, Benjamin, I'll bear that in mind.'
Mr Slater nodded at her, winked at Elizabeth and I then sauntered away.
'I'm so sorry, Ms Brown - ' Elizabeth began to apologise as soon as he was out of earshot.
'Don't worry,' Ms Brown's expression was rueful, 'Mr Slater isn't the sort to wait for an invitation.'
Elizabeth nodded reluctantly - I think she was still feeling guilty - then caught sight of the time.
'If it's all right, Ms Brown, I'll take Shara for the morning break? Would you like something?'
'Just a coffee when you come back. No hurry.' Ms Brown smiled and went back into her office.

There's a big cafeteria on the first floor of the building; this is where Elizabeth took me for morning tea. She told me that while there's small tea-rooms within the company's section, sometimes it was nice to get out of the office completely.
We took our drinks and sat down at an empty table by a window that overlooked the main street.
'I suppose some background information wouldn't go astray.' Elizabeth said, regarding me thoughtfully. 'Ben Slater was recently promoted over Ms Brown even though she has seniority and is much better suited to the position.' I could see she was still rankled by this. 'But he's very flash, talks himself up well and the board chose him over her.' She shook her head ruefully. 'Sorry, shouldn't be biasing your opinions on your first day.' I grinned and confided that my first impression pretty much coincided with what she'd told me. Elizabeth quirked an eyebrow. 'I don't need to warn you to watch out for him do I? It's only - ' she looked as if she were debating whether to continue or not, then leant towards me and lowered her voice. 'Mr Slater has a bit of a... reputation.' I waited for her to continue: there's nothing like office gossip to help you get the feel of a place. 'He's been out with a couple of the other secretaries,' Elizabeth continued, sotto voce, 'one of which was a young girl, eighteen or nineteen, who suddenly left work afterwards. She didn't show up the next day, or the day after that, but rang a couple of days later to quit.' Elizabeth pursed her lips. 'Rumour has it that Mr Slater, um... forced the issue of sex.'
I didn't know what to say: if it was true it was appalling.
'But I suppose you shouldn't listen to rumours, should you?' Elizabeth sighed then smiled and stood up from the table. 'Time to get back.'

When we returned to the office, Elizabeth showed me 'our' tea room and told me how Ms Brown likes her coffee. She then handed me the cup and said I could take it in to the boss.
Ms Brown's office is quite large. The carpet is a rich blue that matches the blinds on the floor to ceiling windows. The walls are all panelled in a pale wood and the whole space feels open and airy. Ms Brown even has a few lush-looking plants dotted about the place and lots of interesting things on her bookshelves besides books.
Ms Brown accepted her coffee with that polite smile of hers and asked me how I was finding it so far. I replied, not very originally, that it was fine, there was a lot to remember but I was sure I'd get the hang of it all quickly.
'Good' she said encouragingly then dismissed me by way of asking me to send Elizabeth in...

It felt like a long day but I think I've already picked up a lot of the routine in the office. With Elizabeth's help I've started a daily/weekly 'things to do' list. I'm sure it'll all become second nature to me before long, but in the meantime it doesn't hurt to write things down.
Is this going to be any more fulfilling than my previous job?
*cue cliché* Only time will tell...

current mood: tired


I really don't like clothes shopping, I never find anything I'm thrilled about and it is so tedious trying things on. However as I'm starting my new job in less than a week I felt I had to get off my arse and replenish my wardrobe. Well, my work wardrobe anyway; I do need some more non-work clothes but that's hardly a priority at the moment.

I can't believe how much money I've spent!
I decided to keep it simple – a couple of skirts, a couple of pairs of good slacks, half a dozen basic shirts and maybe a new jacket – and thank god I did, I hate to think how much I could've blown if I'd been tempted to be more elaborate! But the clothes I bought today should do me for a good few months and once I've got a better idea of what the acceptable dress code is at my new work I can slowly add to the collection.

I admit I was consciously trying to emulate my new boss in my choice of clothes. Smart, neat, business-like; nothing fancy, no frills or ruffles (for which I am heartily grateful, I've still got the photos from my frilly pirate shirt phase and I die a thousand deaths every time I look at them!) Obviously I couldn't quite afford the same quality as Ms Brown can but I think I've done well enough. Everything I got today is well-made with straight lines and plain, flattering colours; I avoided anything that looked institutionalised, if you know what I mean. Still, I did treat myself to a lovely new bra. It's beautifully soft and satiny with a delicate lace trim – I thought it might be nice sometimes to wear something really feminine under the 'corporate bitch' outfits. *grin*

And then there were the shoes...
I need comfortable shoes – I have no idea how much time I'll be spending on my feet - but I definitely didn't want shoes that looked therapeutic. Luckily the first shoe shop I went into had exactly what I was looking for; simple black leather with a moderate heel and nice, not too pointy toes. They're very comfy to wear and I got a second pair in a rich, reddish brown.

This evening was supposed to be my send-off from my old job but by the time I'd battled the traffic to get my piles of purchases home I wasn't remotely interested. But the evening had been organised for me and I had said I'd go...
First, I stopped by my old work to clear my desk. Not that there was much to clear, I've never been one for festooning my workspace with photos and crap, unlike some of my colleagues whose desks you can hardly see for the clutter.
It was very strange going back into the office. I felt like an outsider, already excluded from the club - though that feeling wasn't quite so evident once we got to the pub and the liquid bon hommie started flowing.
Nearly everyone from my department was there, including my replacement – not sure how I felt about that. Nice enough girl, I suppose, but I found I had nothing to say to her, or for that matter to any of my ex-workmates now that I couldn't talk 'shop' with them.
But it was a pleasant evening all told. Neil gave a little speech, wishing me well in my new job, and I got a nice bunch of flowers, a box of liqueur chocolates and a very cute plush frog. (Actually, I was kind of touched by that, I mentioned once that frogs are my favourite animals and someone obviously remembered.)
It all got very sloppy and 'oh I'll miss you!' by the end of the evening, but I didn't mind, I'd been bought a number of drinks and was feeling awfully mellow.
I'm glad I'd decided beforehand to get a taxi home, it would be embarrassing to start my new job having lost my license!

I'm also glad I had this last social thing with my old workmates; it was a tidy, friendly way of closing that chapter of my life.
Am I going to miss it? Probably not...

current mood: relieved


Phew! I rang Neil and told him I wouldn't be coming back at all and he was really good about it. We chatted for a while and he said he was pleased I'd found something else, sorry I was going and why hadn't I said something if I wasn't happy? He has a point, why didn't I? Because I never considered that anything could be done to make it more palatable for me. And let's face it, I'm more likely to run away from something uncomfortable than to try and change it - you've just got to look at the track record of my past relationships to see that! On the other hand, if the job was that bad why didn't I leave earlier? Because it wasn't that bad; deadly dull and monotonous but not unbearable. I got sucked into a stifling apathy where it was easier to just cruise than put myself through the hassle of change.
Ten years though, ten years…
Neil asked me if minded if they gave me a send-off, nothing too flash, maybe a meal at the pub. I said yes even though I didn't want to (not sure why) but I've worked with some of these people for years and I'm friendly with them even if I haven't had any bosom buddies there.
It'll be - what's that word they use? - closure.

I'm still pretty nervous about starting this new job but the more I think about the interview and how it went the better, more confident I feel.
I was interviewed by two people, a man and a woman. The man, Tom Reginald if I remember correctly, was someone from Personnel. He looked like he was nearing retirement age, quite frankly, but he was friendly in an assessing sort of way. The woman, Teresa Brown, didn't say much but it was an encouraging silence, if you know what I mean. The position I was applying for was as her personal assistant and I get the impression, in hindsight, that she seemed pleased with me despite my confessed lack of experience in the work.
I was very nervous going into that interview - it was only my second - but I answered all their questions honestly and, I think, competently. (Well, they hired me, I don't think I managed to make myself look like a denizen of the shallow end of the gene pool!)
Mr Reginald asked me what I thought I could bring to the job - which is a hard question to answer honestly without sounding big-headed. I replied: 'reliability, a willingness to work and learn, and a good organisational ability'. (*grin* which means I can file accurately). He smiled and leant back in his chair and asked the question I've always dreaded - 'Where do you see yourself in five years time…?'
Answering truthfully - 'I have no idea' - never impresses prospective bosses but I knew this was going to be an inevitable question in any interview I got so I'd taken the precaution of having an answer ready.
'In five years time I see myself still here, still learning and a trusted member of the team.'
That doesn't sound too sucky, does it? It implies longevity in the job, not being afraid to admit I don't know everything and a kind of eagerness to muck in and help.
Mr Reginald made a note then asked if I had any questions for them. Again, I'd anticipated this and had some very general enquiries ready to go, questions about the specifics of my duties and - this made T.Brown quirk an eyebrow - what they liked about working for this company. Mr Reginald guffawed and said the superannuation package (aha! I was right) and Ms Brown smiled a little and said, very softly, she enjoyed the challenges she was given.
And then the interview was over and I left to treat myself to a good cup of coffee and a disgustingly rich and indulgent piece of walnut coffee cake at the upmarket little café I'd noticed nearby.
Uh oh, if I'm going to be eating there regularly I'd better step up my exercise program!

Hmm, I think I need to go shopping for some new work clothes. Everything I've got is years old and going by the understatedly elegant suit Ms Brown was wearing I assume she'd appreciate a certain standard of dress in her employees…

current mood: nervous


Nervous?
That's an understatement! I'm about to walk away from a major, familiar part of my life, something that - no matter how much I dislike it - has given me stability and definition for over a decade. But, what's that phrase?
Familiarity breeds contempt...

Just before I walked out of the office to go on my long-service leave, my boss gave me a smile and a cheery wave and said he'd see me in twelve weeks. I laughed but didn't say anything. How could I? Neil's a nice bloke, a great boss, but I couldn't tell him to his face that if all went to plan I wouldn't be setting foot back in that building ever again.

I've been using my extended holiday to look for another job.
It was a good plan I think; if I found something else, great, if not, oh well, I'd still have a job to go back to with none the wiser. Of course, whether I'd have the motivation to look for another job if nothing happened this time round is another question entirely.

Why do I want to leave my job anyway? The pay's reasonable, it's secure - I'd have to really screw up for them to fire me - and the work is easy. But... it's not what I want to do anymore, if I ever really wanted to do it in the first place! When I left school I didn't have any expectations, I didn't know what I wanted to do so taking any old job to tide me over while I worked out what I did want seemed perfectly reasonable. But somehow the years slid past and I drifted along with them until suddenly I'm almost thirty and I realise I still have no idea what I want.
Under the guise of having a desirably secure and stable life I've been stagnating... I need to make a change, reassess things. There has to be more to life than working to pay the mortgage.
I'd like to go back to school, but what could I do? Do I take the safe option and study something sensible that will help me advance in what laughingly passes for my 'career', or should I do something just because I'm interested in it? What am I interested in anyway? Something else I'll have to think about.

When I eventually picked up the paper to start looking at the job adds I found myself in a bit of a quandary. Did I still want to do clerical/office work? The idea didn't appeal but what else is there? I'm not really qualified for anything else. Well anyway, to cut a long story short, I decided my equilibrium wouldn't cope with anything that was too radical a departure from what I was familiar with, so office work it was.
Heh, and so much for not telling Neil what I was doing, as soon as I started sending out resumés I realised I'd have to let him in on the secret because potential employers were going to want to ring him to check me out! He didn't sound too upset when I told him, more surprised than anything I think.

I found a surprising number of jobs to apply for and even went for a few interviews but I didn't think I was having too much luck until this morning when I got a call back from one of the companies offering me a job.
Crunch time - do I take it or not?
What the hell, I hated my job, I wanted a change, I'd deliberately set out to find another job, it would be the worse kind of cop-out to change my mind now.

I start my new job in two weeks... I suppose I'd better ring Neil and tell him...

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